How to Stop Attracting Narcissists in Dating & Relationships

        Cat-calling. Love bombing. That guy who can’t stop complimenting you until you’ve spent a couple days texting then suddenly, crickets. This article is dedicated to the ladies who’ve been there, done that, and now need a reset. How do we spot a guy who has good intentions? It all starts with internalizing what a narcissist(ic) guy does, and literally noticing the guy who is the opposite of that. Trust me, it works.

Narcissists are notorious for pushing boundaries, being overly flattering, giving you oh too many compliments and sending you inappropriate gifts that have you feeling like you’re legit the best thing that has ever happened to him. From a clinical perspective, here’s a list I found on Google highlighting their red flags just to save us some time:

• Ignores boundaries

• Showers you with gifts

• Isolates you

• Compliment you too much

• Gaslight you

• Give over-the-top compliments

• Send inappropriate gifts

• You feel unbalanced

• Excessive flattery

• Constantly praising you

• Declarations of love

• Costly gifts

• Ive never met anyone like you

• Overwhelming gestures of love

• Can’t get enough of you

• Overwhelmed by their intensity 

• Moving too fast

• Saying “we’re soulmates” all too soon

• Excessive attention giving

• Excessive praise

• Pushing for immediate commitment

• Communication with them is intense

Starting to look familiar? It’s all fun and games for the first few months until you start noticing you’re feeling more and more alone. Maybe you’ve lost friends, maybe you just haven’t been out much since you two started spending time together. After all, he says he wants you all to himself. While that sounds romantic, its at a cost. Narcissists, or those with narcissistic qualities, are people who are deeply insecure and wounded at their core. They embody or have a void that needs to be filled with you and your energy endlessly. And, sadly, there’s just no getting around it. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, the best thing you can do is end things and take back your energy.

Being in a healthy relationship starts with recognizing where you’re lacking in boundaries. Narcissists can only get in if we have spaces they can hook us. Were you raised in a household where you weren’t allowed to take up space or say “no” without feeling guilty or fearful about someone getting angry at you for it? Have you always had difficulty standing up for yourself? Are you a people pleaser? Darn. These are all highly common traits for people who attract narcissists, narcissism, and even corporate jobs into their lives. (I’m talking to those of you who get paid relatively well but over-expend. I’m so sure the CEO of the company has all the traits of a self-absorbed narc.)

Onto the topic you’ve all been dying to read about: how do we find that perfect guy? It all starts with noticing the men who aren’t necessarily looking at you, at least not from what you can tell. No, that doesn’t mean obsessing about the guy at the gym who hasn’t batted an eye your way. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t rule it out. Your goal is to notice the ones who have healthy boundaries, who acknowledge you by being more of a friend from the get-go. Who aren’t overly charismatic, who are not cat-calling you, who might be more shy. Those who take their time in getting to know you, who DON’T love bomb you, who express clear communication. I’ll admit, having been in the dating game and navigating with my intuitive capacities, I’ve been able to read people more than most. That said, I’ve got a list below to outline the characteristics and traits you’ll want to seek out in finding your next male partner:

1.     He acknowledges your boundaries and honors them. Men who are worth your time won’t be confused about how to treat you. They will make the effort to give you what you need and offer you their time.

2.     He doesn’t pry. This one is so critical to understand. Most guys are taught not to ask questions. Have you ever heard the phrase, Women are from Venus and men are from Mars? A narcissist will do nothing but ask you questions about yourself. I once went on a date with a guy on Hinge. We met at his apartment. Short story even shorter: About ten minutes into the conversation I noticed he was asking a lot about me, so I decided to start asking him questions. I sh** you not, this motherf’er had the audacity to respond to my question with another question. Every. Time. This went on for probably two minutes before I realized this was actually not a game and that I was at a random guy’s (crappy) apartment and that I needed to start figuring out a way of getting out asap. Fortunately it wasn’t hard to leave after I came up with an excuse. He wasn’t happy, of course, and I didn’t care. 

3.     He respects your friends and family. Pretty straightforward. If he’s hating on your friends or family in any way you’ll have to set that boundary and see where he stands afterwards. Some men have had bad experiences with meeting the fam, that’s understandable. As a therapist, the primary reason most people seek couples counseling is because of the inability to communicate or lack thereof. If you have a question, he needs to answer it in a concrete way that brings you both to a place where you can understand where each of you is coming from and work towards a solution.

4.     He gives you appropriate compliments. Non-narcissistic men are going to take it slow and will be patient in getting to know you before entering into unadulterated romantic territory. Why? Because offering those compliments to someone needs to be sincere. If it is heartfelt, you won’t need to hear it constantly, you will internalize it that one time. A guy that’s worth your time will take their time. That doesn’t mean they aren’t into you, it means they’re gauging to see if you’re girlfriend material. I once heard a podcast that described how women tend to date down and men date up. This means that hetero women are more likely to dive in with the highest of expectations, immediately idealizing the guy they’re interested in to be their Prince Charming. L-O-L. Thanks, Disney. Men will test your boundaries discreetly (or not so), but if they’re really into you, you’ll react to them – and that’s what they want. If they start acting shitty, they’re looking for you to immediately be like, “Ha, good one”, ignore them, and go on living your best life.

5.     He doesn’t make assumptions. No man should ever assume that you want to have sex with him. If he does, 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩!! This can also inevitably lead some women to think he is no longer interested in them, or brings confusion about the state of the relationship. Its good to communicate what you want and bring your feelings to the forefront when it seems like you two have been at a standstill for some time. I've noticed men are typically looking for you to signal that it is time to move forward.

6.     He lets you take the lead. Here’s where so many of my friends and clients get confused. He may seem like he’s taking his time, when really he is waiting for your signal. This marker tells you that he respects you and wants to make you comfortable. Sure, he’d probably bang you right then and there if you expressed interest in it. And yet he, himself, may find that to be a red flag if he’s also looking to be in a relationship and you’re jumping his bones from the get-go. Men who respect you want you to call the shots and wait for you to do so. So, don’t be too shy. You get to show them where you’re willing to go with moving forward and an attentive guy will be paying attention to that.

7.     He's willing to pay for you on the second or third date. This one comes from experience with (great) guys who are tired of being taken advantage of on dating apps because they find so many women who are in it for the free food! Unreal. I understand, and also that in an of itself is fostering narcissism among women. If after the third date he isn’t paying for you, you will need to bring it up to see where he is at. These are distinct markers that indicate whether or not he sees himself being in a relationship with you or if he’s still looking.

8.     He's a little boring. Sad but true. I am well aware that this doesn’t sound ideal, but that’s also the point. You are seeking someone who is w-h-o-l-e. Who has healthy boundaries. Solid relationship-worthy men are those that aren’t looking for constant validation or attention. But, once you pique his interest, he is empowering and able to establish that life with you. You have the power to bring in amazing things, and he’s on your team with his energy to bring in your wants, needs, and desires. So don’t ignore the guy who seems like he doesn’t have a personality or hasn’t made the first move. If he’s cute, get to know him and see where it goes. The worst thing that can happen is that you two don’t have chemistry, but spiritually you’ll be moving in the direction of learning what it is to be with someone with healthy boundaries after being with a narcissist.

Why Do Narcissists Come into Our Lives?

The age-old question. From a spiritual perspective, we are all here to learn our lessons and have likely intended to come across those from past lives that we need to empower ourselves from. Another version of the previous answer: the narcissist highlights our wounding and break in boundaries so we can empower and heal ourselves from it.

When we are struggling to heal from narcissistic abuse, the key is to understand where the narcissist hooked us. Many of the people and clients I’ve encountered who struggle with narcissistic abuse and are seeking to get out of these dynamics or are stuck are those who a) lack boundaries and need to heal internally in order to remove these people from their lives, and b) are hooked by the narcissist’s narrative. Think about it for a minute. What is it that is keeping you entangled in this person? What is it that keeps you wanting to be with him or her, or prevents you from fully moving on from them romantically? This doesn’t apply to everyone of course, but when it comes to progressing one’s life, I see many women clinging to this idea of what the narcissist presented to them that they are and could be in their lives. This could be that they promised you from the start and showed you a snippet of how they could be the most caring, loving father in the world. Maybe he’s swole and has a six pack (which many do).  🚩 You are hooked on the physical appearance (read: lusting) of someone that isn’t likely a healthy match. Do you workout 3 hours a day to keep up your appearance? No? Then move on because, straight up, that level of upkeep is likely so not worth your time. Can you imagine having fun being so insecure that the only thing that you have is your physique? Talk about exhausting.

Another example, you could be clinging to the idea that your ex and you will one day have the perfect life together, because you are clinging to the superficial (read: material) idea that you will have the perfect family together and will look good in on paper. When it comes to dating and romantic relationships, this is what I see come up a lot with women who want to get away from a narcissist but can’t. He’s keeping you hanging on a string and it is a lovely addiction to have until you realize you’ve accomplished nothing by chasing this man around for the past decade (true story).

Side-note: Women can do it all. Yes, that is a feminist perspective. It is also the truth. If you’re interested in a guy, DO NOT DO IT ALL FOR HIM. I KNOW YOU CAN, BUT DON’T. That is oftentimes the biggest challenge. That’s the whole game with dating. He is fully capable of being it all for you, but HE NEEDS TO BE THE ONE TO CHASE YOU. Otherwise its too easy (insert eyeroll here). If he doesn’t? There either isn’t a connection, he’s talking to other women, or he’s got some potentially narcissistic qualities. Down the line there must be balance, you need that to have a healthy relationship. It needs to be reciprocal to a large degree. However, when dating, this helps to rule out those you likely won’t be compatible with. Men who were not cared for enough by their mothers or grew up in a highly unstable environment can carry these traits as narcissism through their wounding. There is a spectrum, but that’s for another article.

Moving on. The good news? Once you establish what your core wounds and material desires are, you can get closer to coming to terms with how you deserve to be treated, and how you can live the best life outside of what it may look like to others.

The narcissist is only impressive in that he or she completely skews our perception of reality. I once had a shaman tell me that narcissism is a “global entity”. That means narcissism affects our world on a global scale, so much so that it can be hard to get out of once we are stuck in this idealized version of ourselves. Think of it like wearing those weird glasses that make the world kaleidoscopic. The narcissist is a black hole mirror that once we step into their world, it can be so very difficult and painful to get out. Despite this, when doing the self-work it requires to get out, you will find yourself in a much more peaceful world where you see how little appearances actually matter. Consider yourself a highly spiritual being of Light if you struggling with narcissistic people in your life. Once you heal those wounds you will see the world from an entirely new perspective. I send you all my best and ask that you reach out if you’re in need of some guidance in how to get out of a narcissistic abusive relationship.

xo

julia